Face to Face with Fear


I was at my breaking point, my body was in so much pain. I felt like jekyll & hyde, my left side completely at peace while my right side body would be in pain just sitting. The car accident 6 years back was no longer working for me as an excuse. I was beginning to see that accident as a calling from the universe slapping me in the face to do the work of looking in. I kept using my yoga-asana practice to get my body back in order but the thing was my body was not holding the heal. With this I discovered there was something else working behind the scenes with this injury but I did not know what.

My practice became more therapeutic, and for the first time I found a solid self practice. I needed the silence of a room so I could really be with myself and listen to my body speak. I was able to watch my every move and be aware of how it was resonating within. Through this intuitive practice I began diving deeper in than I ever have before.

Emotions started to come up, I was this yoga teacher shaming myself about being in pain which just created more pain. My mind kept saying, how could I be in pain, I did everything I could, I was eating clean, doing my practice and living with my dhristi on goodness. While all these practices helped me heal it was through pranayama and meditation that I was able to create a ‘miracle’. Within a weekend my practice shifted like night and day. The week prior my asana practice was nervous and careful, poking, prodding, trying to figure it out. I found the origin point at my root (muladhara) and began to sit with this.

In meditation I experienced an emotional body release from a childhood experience that was an innocent story of losing myself in Disney World when I was maybe 4 years old. I went through the story and meet the moment where my parents found me. I was already overwhelmed but was asked to look my parents in the eyes and sense what they felt. I experienced my body tingling and moved into an overwhelming sense of love from my parents that brought me to tears. They lost their little girl and found her again, I felt this in my body release, my heart verbally cried out, “they love me” and I was able to begin to walk away from the, “you are a space cadet”. My childhood was amazing & blessed yet still, I was holding onto a story.

The week after this experience the physical pain in my body started to melt away. The epiphany I experienced was that I could see everything boil down to either love or fear. I realized how much fear was being held in my body of stories that were not true and quickly an unraveling took place. I realized felt pain can simply be fear, all the quivers and shakes, signs of fear.

A few days later I was back to my yoga practice. While in janu sirsasana c I literally watched as my hip dropped open with ease within moments of my breath speaking to my body. It was not a forced & dictated, “breath, let your body melt” but rather I just watched my breathe move and question my body in a tone as innocent as flowers, “what are you scared of?”  In that moment, knowing there is only love or fear I trusted love and watched it consume fear.

Once a true awareness of self settles into our yoga practice we can look fear in the eyes with a calm heart. This is jedi yoga magic I’m talking about so please take note. I could not comfortably be in a forward fold without props to just about taking my leg behind my head the next week.

Overtime I have come to realize, my practice is not made to run away and numb my mind with a buzz. For me, Yoga is about doing the work, looking in, facing fear. Forcing fear to move a certain direction does not work, that would be like telling a five headed dragon to please step aside. That crazy beast would bite your head off (ironically we are bitting our own head off when we realize the monster is our fears.) Look to the origin point of your pain/fear. Look inside the monster and see why it’s lashing out. So far for me it has always come down to a sensibility of a lack of trust of love.  Learn to meet the (self)monster eye to eye and have a conversation. You are loved, you are light, let that be what consumes you and when fear arises meet it eye to eye with the magic pill of breath. There is so much more to yoga than just asana, dive in and explore.